apples and boys and trees...something i found..

---------------- Boys------------------------
-----------are like apples------------------
-------on trees. The best ones-----------
-----are at the top of the tree-----------
-----Other boys dont want to reach----
----for the good ones because they----
-are afraid of falling & getting hurt-----
-Instead, they get the rotten apples---
-from the ground that arent as nice----
-but easy. So the apples up top think--
--there is something wrong with them--
---when in reality they're amazing------
---They just have to wait for the-------
-------right boy to come along-----------
--------the one who is brave-------------
----------enough to climb-----------------
----------------all the----------------------
---------------way to----------------------
---------------the top----------------------
-------------of the tree--------------------

The fates...

We all spend our lives with the idea that we choose the way we act

But how do we know if this freedom is a fact?

How do we know the Greeks didn't have it right and the Moirae have the power?

That we were given our breath, and there is a set time for our final hour?

What if our parents didn't have control over our debut into this life,

If they had no way to protect us from this world and all its strife?

What if the Spinner spun her loom and decided on the time of our birth?

And the Allotter spun our thread through the weave, deciding our life's worth?

And what if the circumstances of our death were of no consequence of our own?

But the Cutter of our thread saw the time line and had it set in stone?

Well then what is the point of this existence and the life we lead?

I think that's the most interesting question indeed...

Even if the Fates are the ones who have the final say,

I feel like I have to do what I can to find the best way.

Maybe its the rebel in me, but I feel like I move my thread a bit

Maybe bend it, shift it, spin it with someone else's or have it split.

I have to think I have some control of my own being

Otherwise I am just a puppet, entangled up in string,

Pretending to live a life, as tough as it may be

That someone has already lived for me...

...

I sit here just scribbling thoughts in my bed

A candle the only light to illuminate the thoughts in my head.

I wonder the ways of the world, ways of the heart,

trying to figure out if things are fated from the start.

Does our meeting have a purpose, is there more to come?

Or are we lucky to have met on this path, before returning to where we came from?

I'm going to cherish they gift you gave me

Reviving my heart, allowing me to see.

To see that one day I'll find the one from my dream

The one where everything is silver, and it gleams.

how is it that...

I've all of a sudden turned into an angsty teen? I'm even breaking out like one! haha. It's all an internal thing really, I don't think anyone had noticed yet, but I am just....at a loss. I've spent the last week daydreaming, fighting to stay focused on my work, and debating about fate...How is it that when I feel absolutely like there is no connection out there for me, I find one? I've been just searching for distractions...feeling as though I am doomed to repeat my folks mistakes....but then while in the midst of such a mistake, I bump into a friend, who has a friend....who sheds some light onto my otherwise bleak situation.

Now, I know I sound like an emotional school girl when I say this, but in just a weekend, I have had all my wonderfully unjaded ideals come rushing back at me. I haven't been drawn to someone in so long, but this...it just felt right....I do feel like things happen for a reason, that they are fated. I was supposed to meet this boy who I clicked with so easily, so naturally, so that I could realize how silly I've been acting...and I think he was leaving because right now I need to focus on my career and my life...but I needed to realize these boys I've been chasing as distractions need to stop...

A couple of things seem true...

1) It always happens when you least expect it.

2) Go with your instincts

3) It always works out in the end...

And I have a few hopes too...

1) I'll find him one day

2) I'll know when the time is right...

3) It'll feel like he's always been right there beside me...

it's funny, but I think this kid has revived the hopeless romantic in me like some sort of Lazarus...I may have to find time to draw something expressive like I used to back in the day...

I'm just a little lonely today...I feel like life is just so blah these days..I go to work and come home...on the days I don't work, i am restless trying to find ways of entertainment. I don't feel much connection, in part because my friends are gone for vacation or live back east....and I am just a little depressed...

Everyone says enjoy being single, but I don't think they meant entirely single, solitary....this sucks...

then I am going through so many emotions...no one is around...I miss him, probably more than I should...and even my friends at home aren't available..I feel like I'm in some weird solitary confinement...meh

I have a problem...

...I fall too fast...

This is the downfall to knowing what you want, and not just going for any cute guy. There is this weird intuition I have with guys...and I just kind of know someone I will like when I see them. I am drawn to them, and I want to immediately show them who I am so I can see if we will get along.

Well, I have learned, this scares boys away when you are very open from the beginning. So I am told from others that I should be reserved, that I am a lot of personality initially. I have been trying this with someone I am interested in, but I have a concern...supposedly I am also hard to read at times, so does this boy even know that I am into him, and in what way?

And then to this weird sensation I haven't really experienced before...I have really enjoyed spending time with this guy...and I like it, but something in me is resisting...almost trying to rebel, and I mean it feels like I am in high school again and the sensation of doing exactly the opposite of what my parents told me to do...it feels like this is some instinct in me afraid to get hurt again...

Is this how it feels to be jaded? And how the hell do I get rid of it?

From my past experience, I have learned that to love someone you have to let go of all of that fear....and I'm a little terrified that I will screw it up out of fear that its not mutual or it won't work...

...what ever happened to the fearless kid who just loved to love and receive it in return..? I gotta get back to this place...this freedom...

..so from now on, I'm going to go with my heart a bit more, and stop thinking so damn much...

...i should be over this...

...and I'm not...everyone is telling me I should let go..it's time to move on...but my roommate said something that I think is more true...there are some things in life you never get over...you just learn to accept that and move around it...so I think that's more of what I need to do..I need to just try and move forward...there's nothing I personally can do about the situation..I need to just try and find a peace within myself to make life keep going..I've been looking in all the wrong places..other people, some sort of gratification, be it work, school or a boy..and I need to just accept that there is only me and for now that's all I got..

night..