apples and boys and trees...something i found..

---------------- Boys------------------------
-----------are like apples------------------
-------on trees. The best ones-----------
-----are at the top of the tree-----------
-----Other boys dont want to reach----
----for the good ones because they----
-are afraid of falling & getting hurt-----
-Instead, they get the rotten apples---
-from the ground that arent as nice----
-but easy. So the apples up top think--
--there is something wrong with them--
---when in reality they're amazing------
---They just have to wait for the-------
-------right boy to come along-----------
--------the one who is brave-------------
----------enough to climb-----------------
----------------all the----------------------
---------------way to----------------------
---------------the top----------------------
-------------of the tree--------------------

The fates...

We all spend our lives with the idea that we choose the way we act

But how do we know if this freedom is a fact?

How do we know the Greeks didn't have it right and the Moirae have the power?

That we were given our breath, and there is a set time for our final hour?

What if our parents didn't have control over our debut into this life,

If they had no way to protect us from this world and all its strife?

What if the Spinner spun her loom and decided on the time of our birth?

And the Allotter spun our thread through the weave, deciding our life's worth?

And what if the circumstances of our death were of no consequence of our own?

But the Cutter of our thread saw the time line and had it set in stone?

Well then what is the point of this existence and the life we lead?

I think that's the most interesting question indeed...

Even if the Fates are the ones who have the final say,

I feel like I have to do what I can to find the best way.

Maybe its the rebel in me, but I feel like I move my thread a bit

Maybe bend it, shift it, spin it with someone else's or have it split.

I have to think I have some control of my own being

Otherwise I am just a puppet, entangled up in string,

Pretending to live a life, as tough as it may be

That someone has already lived for me...

...

I sit here just scribbling thoughts in my bed

A candle the only light to illuminate the thoughts in my head.

I wonder the ways of the world, ways of the heart,

trying to figure out if things are fated from the start.

Does our meeting have a purpose, is there more to come?

Or are we lucky to have met on this path, before returning to where we came from?

I'm going to cherish they gift you gave me

Reviving my heart, allowing me to see.

To see that one day I'll find the one from my dream

The one where everything is silver, and it gleams.

how is it that...

I've all of a sudden turned into an angsty teen? I'm even breaking out like one! haha. It's all an internal thing really, I don't think anyone had noticed yet, but I am just....at a loss. I've spent the last week daydreaming, fighting to stay focused on my work, and debating about fate...How is it that when I feel absolutely like there is no connection out there for me, I find one? I've been just searching for distractions...feeling as though I am doomed to repeat my folks mistakes....but then while in the midst of such a mistake, I bump into a friend, who has a friend....who sheds some light onto my otherwise bleak situation.

Now, I know I sound like an emotional school girl when I say this, but in just a weekend, I have had all my wonderfully unjaded ideals come rushing back at me. I haven't been drawn to someone in so long, but this...it just felt right....I do feel like things happen for a reason, that they are fated. I was supposed to meet this boy who I clicked with so easily, so naturally, so that I could realize how silly I've been acting...and I think he was leaving because right now I need to focus on my career and my life...but I needed to realize these boys I've been chasing as distractions need to stop...

A couple of things seem true...

1) It always happens when you least expect it.

2) Go with your instincts

3) It always works out in the end...

And I have a few hopes too...

1) I'll find him one day

2) I'll know when the time is right...

3) It'll feel like he's always been right there beside me...

it's funny, but I think this kid has revived the hopeless romantic in me like some sort of Lazarus...I may have to find time to draw something expressive like I used to back in the day...

I'm just a little lonely today...I feel like life is just so blah these days..I go to work and come home...on the days I don't work, i am restless trying to find ways of entertainment. I don't feel much connection, in part because my friends are gone for vacation or live back east....and I am just a little depressed...

Everyone says enjoy being single, but I don't think they meant entirely single, solitary....this sucks...

then I am going through so many emotions...no one is around...I miss him, probably more than I should...and even my friends at home aren't available..I feel like I'm in some weird solitary confinement...meh

I have a problem...

...I fall too fast...

This is the downfall to knowing what you want, and not just going for any cute guy. There is this weird intuition I have with guys...and I just kind of know someone I will like when I see them. I am drawn to them, and I want to immediately show them who I am so I can see if we will get along.

Well, I have learned, this scares boys away when you are very open from the beginning. So I am told from others that I should be reserved, that I am a lot of personality initially. I have been trying this with someone I am interested in, but I have a concern...supposedly I am also hard to read at times, so does this boy even know that I am into him, and in what way?

And then to this weird sensation I haven't really experienced before...I have really enjoyed spending time with this guy...and I like it, but something in me is resisting...almost trying to rebel, and I mean it feels like I am in high school again and the sensation of doing exactly the opposite of what my parents told me to do...it feels like this is some instinct in me afraid to get hurt again...

Is this how it feels to be jaded? And how the hell do I get rid of it?

From my past experience, I have learned that to love someone you have to let go of all of that fear....and I'm a little terrified that I will screw it up out of fear that its not mutual or it won't work...

...what ever happened to the fearless kid who just loved to love and receive it in return..? I gotta get back to this place...this freedom...

..so from now on, I'm going to go with my heart a bit more, and stop thinking so damn much...

...i should be over this...

...and I'm not...everyone is telling me I should let go..it's time to move on...but my roommate said something that I think is more true...there are some things in life you never get over...you just learn to accept that and move around it...so I think that's more of what I need to do..I need to just try and move forward...there's nothing I personally can do about the situation..I need to just try and find a peace within myself to make life keep going..I've been looking in all the wrong places..other people, some sort of gratification, be it work, school or a boy..and I need to just accept that there is only me and for now that's all I got..

night..

just need to write..

so yea, i'm just in a weird kind of limbo. I feel myself holding onto him, knowing I shouldn't. who knows if he'll ever come back...and if he does, what's to say he won't leave again? I feel guilty for wanting to move on and that's not ok...so I am working on moving forward, and putting the guilt behind me...as I propose my thesis and begin to design a dress, and my Halloween costume(I'm gonna be an Aquarius...lol..) so yea...a lot is going on and I just want to go dance, have a few drinks and get it all out..I may have to fly solo just to get it out lol..

<3

my foggy beach day...

So, I went to Marshall Beach today, thinking it would be warm like my side of the city...but as I got closer, I saw that it was covered in a thick fog...then stuff like, half my lock got lost, and it was getting colder, etc started to happen...and considering I've been in a shitty mood the past few days, I almost took it as a sign to turn back...but then something would say it was a salvageable day, so I continued. I walked my bike down the multitude of steps to the dreary, choppy lonely little beach...and it was the nicest thing I could have done...

I got to think a lot about what's been bothering me...this boy thing..lol..

So, I make a point to take a chunk of the only down time I'll get til the summer for him. I feel like I make it very clear that my intentions are to have a large amount of private time with him to relax and wind down...I fly the 6 hours back home...

...and am received with a lack of enthusiasm and very little effort initially. This boy is supposed to love me...but it doesn't feel like it...

Notice how i said he is supposed to love me...not that he is in love with me. I would label my emotions for him as in love...I know he isn't on that level for me...but I was ok with that for this weekend...assuming I got the time I wanted...and hell, my friends love me...and I them. I'm not asking for much, just to basically hold up his end of the bargain..luckily, I was somewhat expecting disappointment...

I get that he was busy, but the way he handled the situations over the weekend were frustrating for me...I felt very unimportant and unappreciated. All he kept talking about was his trip next weekend, and his car....like he wanted this weekend to be over..which DEF. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside....and it wasn't until I basically bitched about the fact that I came to visit him specifically that I got results...

I'm not expecting the whole weekend to dedicated to me...but I was definitely expecting that some time be carved out for me...and it wasn't..

I don't know at this point what he wants...at first his words were very much of one who was in love with me and I could feel honesty behind the words, I believe (though I doubted that would last)...and it slowly faded to this weird nothingness. I am now backburner boy..lol...

I just can't feel any sort of care in him as far as I am concerned...and someone told me that sometimes people like to have someone comfortable around so that if they are taking a risk in a new arena of life, they have can fall back on the comfortable person..

..am I a fallback plan? I don't know..it would make sense, based off of my previous behavior that I'd be a good candidate...but I am also learning from my previous experiences, that I always put in too much effort...and I really gotta stop doing it...

..so maybe this time I need to step away, and let things fall as them may...

..time will tell.

so..

....I think I'm a bit of a fool. The saying "you can't do something the same way and hope for different results" comes to mind. I've been here before...with school, with boys, with everything I'm doing...and things are playing out the same way..lol. And the funniest part, is I'm upset about some of it...

So...this is my moment when I'm going to do my best to commit to stepping outside the box a bit...let go of the people who don't increase the good moment in my life...let go of the boys that cause me internal turmoil...meet boys when I go out (that'll be a challenge..lol) and as far as school, not be afraid to get messy and make my mistakes...and try to manage my time better..

lets see how it all plays out...

so i think i figured out my flaw...

I can't handle not having answers...not in the sense of like the future..(I actually enjoy not knowing what will happen...) but I mean in the way of comprehending a situation. I think I have been so internally afraid to come home because I knew it brought me much closer to having a run in with him...

and of course I let a friend talk me into going out last night and I of course see him. Normally I would have just talked to him anyway...but I'm so hurt by one sentence he said that I couldn't even open my mouth....

plus i honestly believe deep down that he needs to try and make it better..and a hug isn't enough to do it...nothin physical will make it better....only two words can...

..."I'm sorry"

the Sartor

Hey Hey

So, I'm sitting in Philly's airport right now, reflecting on my experiences in San Francisco thus far...(i feel like I'm back in undergrad with my late night/early morning philosphy...lol) My experience is to be somewhat expected as far as the W curve goes. I came in very excited....but the first month or so after I was ther eI had to go through a lot of changes to adjust....making friends, finding my balance, etc....and I'm just starting to feel set up, around this time of my break...

So, it's been a good experience over all. I've known, even through all the down time that I made the right decision. I mean I had small doubts when I was having trouble juggling things, but the level at which I finished my classes and my final projects has given me confidence that I am definitely someone with talent in the field I have chosen, and I am also confident that the Academy will assist me in finding the level of professionalism and taste that I need to carry into the working world.

Also, I feel emotionally comfortable in San Fran..the social climate there is one that I can get down on...everything is so chill there...its' nice...it helps me balance out my stress levels..I don't fret as much and I like it....the only downfall to the relaxed way of life is that the club scene is not what I'm used to....San Franciscans don't know how to club like we do on the East Coast..but that's what Vacations are for..lol..

Anyhow, overall, I'm happy with it, and after much rest, I am excited to head back....

:*
the Sartor..

p.s. I'l include pics of my work, or links at least when I get it back next semester!!

Wings

...lol, so, I haven't posted in a long time..but I had to share my new found obsession...I want to make a pair of angel wings..lol

I just watched the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and it has re-sparked my love of the wings...of course..

So, I'm already plotting to do an elaborate Halloween Costume...(which I have no idea where I can go with Wings..lol, but I'll make it happen. Anyhow, I want to do a gladiator angel so of look..I think it will be hot if I can pull it off. I'm going to play with faux leather for the harness and a midpiece...and do a rustic look with gold metallic finishes...I figure it will help me learn a lot of new techniques as well..so it'll be fun...time to start saving up..lol

anyhow, I hope everyone is well!
the sartor..

updates

Hey Guys
How's it goin? (I'd really like to kno) lol. I'm doing well. Still pretty busy, but managing a lot better. I got a bike, so I can ride around and get places faster...and it's fun! I've been going out and making more friends...I still feel a little isolated, but I think it will pass with time...Everything is pretty....chill..not much to report...weird right?! I know..no drama in my life...I like it..

Hope ur well
the Sartor

heya

The past few days have been weird. I've been trying to figure out what I want and need emotionally, I guess. I'm single again, but I don't feel like its right. So I'm trying to figure out whether I should wait to see where things go? Or look for some sort of new companionship, or just fool around...I don't like any of these Ideas, but I REALLY don't feel like being alone. I still feel pretty isolated in the city. So I've been trying to find some new partners in Crime (Miss my MU, DC, and NN Fams...you know who you are).

Been trying to focus on just class and such, but oddly enough, its harder after Sunday, like I have some spot to fill...and I don't like it...

O well...gotta play the hand I'm dealt I guess...just waiting it out til the last card is drawn, and I can move onto a new hand..lol...

O! in juxtaposition to this, I went on a bike ride by myself to Sausolito and back. It was pretty nice too..I finally crossed the Golden Gate, and saw a beautiful skyline of the city and Twin Peaks framed by the fog....too bad my camera is bad ass enough to capture it...Also, Sausolito is goregous..its a quaint little beachtown. I'd love to retire there..or at least go for a night...dinner and a stroll by the water...one day..lol

Anyhow, I had that moment again...where I saw all this beautiful stuff, but have no one to share it with...funny how I always find myself there..

"Morning. Strawberry sky dusted with white winter powder sugar sun. And nobody to munch on it with"


Night All..
The Sartor

meh...

So, I just want to vent a bit....I'm overworked, underpaid, and (much to my disliking) newly single. I've been trying to make it all work...but it looks like it's been too much. I fucked the relationship to hell, and all I can seem to do is work. I don't do anything fun, so I guess it's time to just start saying fuck it (mostly to sleep I guess) and just go out and be silly.

I need to meet some people, shake my ass a bit, be crazy...I'm in San Fran, right?

...I dunno, I just wanted me and this boy to work out, I felt like we could, but he has no reason to believe that, and it's not fair to make him wait. I think I may have lost out on the one guy who has been the best to me...o well, I would screw up something good...

...well, like he said, if it was meant to be, right?

ok..time to go to class and get it together..

the sartor

Mecca...thus far...

...is pretty freakin' sweet...

Heya all! It's been a while, hope everyone's doing ok..! I've obv. been making changes and all, and thus hadn't been updating, but here I am again!

So, I am currently a new transplant to San Francisco! I have started my first grad semester at Academy of Art. I am taking Fashion Design 1 (MY FAV THUS FAR), 3D Design 1, and Fashion Illustration 1.

Fashion Design is gonna be a series of classes to help cultivate taste and the design process. This particular section thus far is almost requiring that you be more expressive. The idea is that rules are made to be broken in this class, and I am attempting to to break out of the restraints I've learned to get into with previous assignments and projects. It is already a help just three classes in as far as opening my mind to ideas...(I'm even considering designing womenswear, GO FIGURE!)

3D Design is a patterning class. Both flat pattern and draping, all womens. We have started with making our own blocks, and we are about to make muslins to test them. I feel amazing in that class, because I am definitely one of the fastest and best at it..lol..Marymount's patterning has trained me well! ;) lol.


Fashion Illustration is more of a figure drawing class, but applying it to fashion. We are required to attend a nude model workshop once a week, and we draw from a clothed model in class. we are just learning anatomy and form currently, and we've also talked about real vs. fashion proportions. I really enjoy it. The teacher is very much a positive reinforcer, so even if you felt bad before class, you leave with a certain confidence!


So then I am just starting at the Levi's Flagship store in Union Square (If you ever come visit SF, u HAVE to come in) It's 3 floors. The first level is vintage, when we have it, and a customization area...so amazing. I want to try and work there someday. They do everything from hems and fitting of jeans, to embroidery, screen printing, and bling bling! lol. The Second level is Mens...it's quite nice, and the third is womens. They have the staple fits, then some seasonal stuff, and they are currently doing reissued vintage fits from the late 60s and early 70s. It's also cool, because I got a crash course in the history of denim, and some of the processes...I'm a geek for denim..(CAN U TELL I JUST FINISHED TRAINING TONIGHT?!)

Also, everyone there seems very fun, and relaxed..and hell..I can wear jeans and a tee to work, how kick ass is that?! right!

Also, the city itself is nice. It has the range of city, and nature I like. I can take a 45 min train ride to Ocean Beach. I can(and need to) go to the ZOO. But then there is also lots of art and culture in the city...the people are fun..lots of Asian decent...and lots of artistic people...also a lot of homeless people, kinda sad...

The only downfalls to the city so far is that the weather fluctuates, but that's cool, it gives me an excuse to shop for layers! lol..SELF EXPRESSION! and then also, I miss the gay clubs in DC...for those of you there still, the Club Scene there is actually pretty sweet...we are spoiled..enjoy it!

Also, I've made a few friends. My roommate Brandon is cool. He's from Kansas City..(Kansas...J-Nellie, he knows of Dodge..lol) Elliott is from Santa Cruz, like an hour away..exactly what u'd picture in a CA surf town boy..lol. He invited us to come visit his home..I wanna go so I can see the beach..lol, and then there is Jon, but he is hardly here...he is very stealthy..japanese gamer. And he visits his girlfriend a lot. lol

Then I've made a few friends. Blake I met on the plane. Xavier (my bf) and I refer to him as "Blakes on a plane"..yes, nerdy, I kno. lol Then there is Sarah. She is from Nova..so we connect on that level. Then there is Indigo. She is fun. graduated from Hampton University, and is taking the Grad Merchandising program. She has me laughing CONSTANTLY! then there is Gigi, my class partner. lol We have the same schedule. She is of Philippino decent, and reminds me of Kristin Patricio..sounds JUST LIKE HER! lol. love her already...

O, and Xavier, the guy I'm dating (yea, it was fast...i kno) He's pretty amazing. Has been showing me around town, and introducing me to a lot. He's pretty good to me too...seems genuinely interested in me and my well being!

So, yea, that's an overview...questions?!
k, love you bye bye!
the Sartor

The Update 7/28/2008

So, I've been on a blogging hiatus, mostly because I have been trying to enjoy my last bit of time here. I think I've succeeded too...

I've been feeling very good about life. Having dealt with all the drama of people I carried along through life, I have actually felt like a lot of the stress has come off of me..and it has allowed me to process all that I learned from everyone over these past 6 years...

I say 6 years because that is when I first started dating...and since then, I have been constantly drowning in drama, either externally caused, or self inflicted. This is the first time I have felt like I was remotely free of it all, and I like it.

From all of these things, I've seen a few things...when I eliminate drama, I can enjoy my time better. I don't have to constantly stay busy, to distract myself, I can lay around and day dream, imagine my future, design clothes in my head, whatever I want, because I'm mostly free to think. I've also learned that I don't deserve to put up with men that are not at the same place I am. I have seen potential in a lot of guys, and basically waited for them to get to the point I needed them to be at...the issues with that though are that he may never get there, and that simple lesson has taken me 6 years to figure out.

Plus this has allowed me to be braver....as stupid as it sounds...for example, before this time, I would never have gone out alone..because of some fear that I can't explain, though I know it's tied to the men I've put around myself...and I went out this past Friday, all by myself, and had a good time...so, I guess I'm saying I'm learning to be REALLY comfortable in my own skin...and mind...

I remember thinking that this summer was going to be hard for me, with a lot of my friends not being here, and the situations I needed to manage, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed, and just like always, I found my way, and enjoyed myself. There were some rough spots, but I am happy with the place I am emotionally, socially, etc. I am ready to make the changes happen...

...just in time for my 3000 mile move to a place that is unfamiliar, where I don't know anyone...


I'm SO excited...

p.s. CONGRATS SIS! (she has an adorable baby BOY! Zaier Christian!)

Why can't moments like this...

really exist...?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MW3lF9W0g6o

..I love this...and I want to experience something so warm and loving...

the sartor..

Is a letter enough?

I wonder if I am being dramatic, or trying to live my life like a movie, or what...and I need some outside opinion, so this is a post that I'd like some response to...

I am emotionally holding onto someone...and I have been working on letting go, but I need to wrap it up mentally, before I can move on..literally and figuratively...so, I'm wondering if a letter is a good choice..

I feel like I need to wrap it up, and speak my piece, for my own mental sake. I know otherwise, I won't get the closure I need...and I need more than any other time in this case...

the reason I don't feel like I can have the conversation in person is that 1) I will get emotional, and not be clear or say what I need to, and 2) I am afraid I will lose the ground I have gained in moving on by physically seeing him...which also means I'd deliver the note and go...

but my instinct tells me that this is a bit of a cop out...yet it is a necessary one...i just don't kno....

comments welcome and appreciated!

thesartor