...i should be over this...

...and I'm not...everyone is telling me I should let go..it's time to move on...but my roommate said something that I think is more true...there are some things in life you never get over...you just learn to accept that and move around it...so I think that's more of what I need to do..I need to just try and move forward...there's nothing I personally can do about the situation..I need to just try and find a peace within myself to make life keep going..I've been looking in all the wrong places..other people, some sort of gratification, be it work, school or a boy..and I need to just accept that there is only me and for now that's all I got..

night..

just need to write..

so yea, i'm just in a weird kind of limbo. I feel myself holding onto him, knowing I shouldn't. who knows if he'll ever come back...and if he does, what's to say he won't leave again? I feel guilty for wanting to move on and that's not ok...so I am working on moving forward, and putting the guilt behind me...as I propose my thesis and begin to design a dress, and my Halloween costume(I'm gonna be an Aquarius...lol..) so yea...a lot is going on and I just want to go dance, have a few drinks and get it all out..I may have to fly solo just to get it out lol..

<3

my foggy beach day...

So, I went to Marshall Beach today, thinking it would be warm like my side of the city...but as I got closer, I saw that it was covered in a thick fog...then stuff like, half my lock got lost, and it was getting colder, etc started to happen...and considering I've been in a shitty mood the past few days, I almost took it as a sign to turn back...but then something would say it was a salvageable day, so I continued. I walked my bike down the multitude of steps to the dreary, choppy lonely little beach...and it was the nicest thing I could have done...

I got to think a lot about what's been bothering me...this boy thing..lol..

So, I make a point to take a chunk of the only down time I'll get til the summer for him. I feel like I make it very clear that my intentions are to have a large amount of private time with him to relax and wind down...I fly the 6 hours back home...

...and am received with a lack of enthusiasm and very little effort initially. This boy is supposed to love me...but it doesn't feel like it...

Notice how i said he is supposed to love me...not that he is in love with me. I would label my emotions for him as in love...I know he isn't on that level for me...but I was ok with that for this weekend...assuming I got the time I wanted...and hell, my friends love me...and I them. I'm not asking for much, just to basically hold up his end of the bargain..luckily, I was somewhat expecting disappointment...

I get that he was busy, but the way he handled the situations over the weekend were frustrating for me...I felt very unimportant and unappreciated. All he kept talking about was his trip next weekend, and his car....like he wanted this weekend to be over..which DEF. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside....and it wasn't until I basically bitched about the fact that I came to visit him specifically that I got results...

I'm not expecting the whole weekend to dedicated to me...but I was definitely expecting that some time be carved out for me...and it wasn't..

I don't know at this point what he wants...at first his words were very much of one who was in love with me and I could feel honesty behind the words, I believe (though I doubted that would last)...and it slowly faded to this weird nothingness. I am now backburner boy..lol...

I just can't feel any sort of care in him as far as I am concerned...and someone told me that sometimes people like to have someone comfortable around so that if they are taking a risk in a new arena of life, they have can fall back on the comfortable person..

..am I a fallback plan? I don't know..it would make sense, based off of my previous behavior that I'd be a good candidate...but I am also learning from my previous experiences, that I always put in too much effort...and I really gotta stop doing it...

..so maybe this time I need to step away, and let things fall as them may...

..time will tell.

so..

....I think I'm a bit of a fool. The saying "you can't do something the same way and hope for different results" comes to mind. I've been here before...with school, with boys, with everything I'm doing...and things are playing out the same way..lol. And the funniest part, is I'm upset about some of it...

So...this is my moment when I'm going to do my best to commit to stepping outside the box a bit...let go of the people who don't increase the good moment in my life...let go of the boys that cause me internal turmoil...meet boys when I go out (that'll be a challenge..lol) and as far as school, not be afraid to get messy and make my mistakes...and try to manage my time better..

lets see how it all plays out...

so i think i figured out my flaw...

I can't handle not having answers...not in the sense of like the future..(I actually enjoy not knowing what will happen...) but I mean in the way of comprehending a situation. I think I have been so internally afraid to come home because I knew it brought me much closer to having a run in with him...

and of course I let a friend talk me into going out last night and I of course see him. Normally I would have just talked to him anyway...but I'm so hurt by one sentence he said that I couldn't even open my mouth....

plus i honestly believe deep down that he needs to try and make it better..and a hug isn't enough to do it...nothin physical will make it better....only two words can...

..."I'm sorry"

the Sartor

Hey Hey

So, I'm sitting in Philly's airport right now, reflecting on my experiences in San Francisco thus far...(i feel like I'm back in undergrad with my late night/early morning philosphy...lol) My experience is to be somewhat expected as far as the W curve goes. I came in very excited....but the first month or so after I was ther eI had to go through a lot of changes to adjust....making friends, finding my balance, etc....and I'm just starting to feel set up, around this time of my break...

So, it's been a good experience over all. I've known, even through all the down time that I made the right decision. I mean I had small doubts when I was having trouble juggling things, but the level at which I finished my classes and my final projects has given me confidence that I am definitely someone with talent in the field I have chosen, and I am also confident that the Academy will assist me in finding the level of professionalism and taste that I need to carry into the working world.

Also, I feel emotionally comfortable in San Fran..the social climate there is one that I can get down on...everything is so chill there...its' nice...it helps me balance out my stress levels..I don't fret as much and I like it....the only downfall to the relaxed way of life is that the club scene is not what I'm used to....San Franciscans don't know how to club like we do on the East Coast..but that's what Vacations are for..lol..

Anyhow, overall, I'm happy with it, and after much rest, I am excited to head back....

:*
the Sartor..

p.s. I'l include pics of my work, or links at least when I get it back next semester!!

Wings

...lol, so, I haven't posted in a long time..but I had to share my new found obsession...I want to make a pair of angel wings..lol

I just watched the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and it has re-sparked my love of the wings...of course..

So, I'm already plotting to do an elaborate Halloween Costume...(which I have no idea where I can go with Wings..lol, but I'll make it happen. Anyhow, I want to do a gladiator angel so of look..I think it will be hot if I can pull it off. I'm going to play with faux leather for the harness and a midpiece...and do a rustic look with gold metallic finishes...I figure it will help me learn a lot of new techniques as well..so it'll be fun...time to start saving up..lol

anyhow, I hope everyone is well!
the sartor..