I have a problem...

...I fall too fast...

This is the downfall to knowing what you want, and not just going for any cute guy. There is this weird intuition I have with guys...and I just kind of know someone I will like when I see them. I am drawn to them, and I want to immediately show them who I am so I can see if we will get along.

Well, I have learned, this scares boys away when you are very open from the beginning. So I am told from others that I should be reserved, that I am a lot of personality initially. I have been trying this with someone I am interested in, but I have a concern...supposedly I am also hard to read at times, so does this boy even know that I am into him, and in what way?

And then to this weird sensation I haven't really experienced before...I have really enjoyed spending time with this guy...and I like it, but something in me is resisting...almost trying to rebel, and I mean it feels like I am in high school again and the sensation of doing exactly the opposite of what my parents told me to do...it feels like this is some instinct in me afraid to get hurt again...

Is this how it feels to be jaded? And how the hell do I get rid of it?

From my past experience, I have learned that to love someone you have to let go of all of that fear....and I'm a little terrified that I will screw it up out of fear that its not mutual or it won't work...

...what ever happened to the fearless kid who just loved to love and receive it in return..? I gotta get back to this place...this freedom...

..so from now on, I'm going to go with my heart a bit more, and stop thinking so damn much...

...i should be over this...

...and I'm not...everyone is telling me I should let go..it's time to move on...but my roommate said something that I think is more true...there are some things in life you never get over...you just learn to accept that and move around it...so I think that's more of what I need to do..I need to just try and move forward...there's nothing I personally can do about the situation..I need to just try and find a peace within myself to make life keep going..I've been looking in all the wrong places..other people, some sort of gratification, be it work, school or a boy..and I need to just accept that there is only me and for now that's all I got..

night..

just need to write..

so yea, i'm just in a weird kind of limbo. I feel myself holding onto him, knowing I shouldn't. who knows if he'll ever come back...and if he does, what's to say he won't leave again? I feel guilty for wanting to move on and that's not ok...so I am working on moving forward, and putting the guilt behind me...as I propose my thesis and begin to design a dress, and my Halloween costume(I'm gonna be an Aquarius...lol..) so yea...a lot is going on and I just want to go dance, have a few drinks and get it all out..I may have to fly solo just to get it out lol..

<3

my foggy beach day...

So, I went to Marshall Beach today, thinking it would be warm like my side of the city...but as I got closer, I saw that it was covered in a thick fog...then stuff like, half my lock got lost, and it was getting colder, etc started to happen...and considering I've been in a shitty mood the past few days, I almost took it as a sign to turn back...but then something would say it was a salvageable day, so I continued. I walked my bike down the multitude of steps to the dreary, choppy lonely little beach...and it was the nicest thing I could have done...

I got to think a lot about what's been bothering me...this boy thing..lol..

So, I make a point to take a chunk of the only down time I'll get til the summer for him. I feel like I make it very clear that my intentions are to have a large amount of private time with him to relax and wind down...I fly the 6 hours back home...

...and am received with a lack of enthusiasm and very little effort initially. This boy is supposed to love me...but it doesn't feel like it...

Notice how i said he is supposed to love me...not that he is in love with me. I would label my emotions for him as in love...I know he isn't on that level for me...but I was ok with that for this weekend...assuming I got the time I wanted...and hell, my friends love me...and I them. I'm not asking for much, just to basically hold up his end of the bargain..luckily, I was somewhat expecting disappointment...

I get that he was busy, but the way he handled the situations over the weekend were frustrating for me...I felt very unimportant and unappreciated. All he kept talking about was his trip next weekend, and his car....like he wanted this weekend to be over..which DEF. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside....and it wasn't until I basically bitched about the fact that I came to visit him specifically that I got results...

I'm not expecting the whole weekend to dedicated to me...but I was definitely expecting that some time be carved out for me...and it wasn't..

I don't know at this point what he wants...at first his words were very much of one who was in love with me and I could feel honesty behind the words, I believe (though I doubted that would last)...and it slowly faded to this weird nothingness. I am now backburner boy..lol...

I just can't feel any sort of care in him as far as I am concerned...and someone told me that sometimes people like to have someone comfortable around so that if they are taking a risk in a new arena of life, they have can fall back on the comfortable person..

..am I a fallback plan? I don't know..it would make sense, based off of my previous behavior that I'd be a good candidate...but I am also learning from my previous experiences, that I always put in too much effort...and I really gotta stop doing it...

..so maybe this time I need to step away, and let things fall as them may...

..time will tell.

so..

....I think I'm a bit of a fool. The saying "you can't do something the same way and hope for different results" comes to mind. I've been here before...with school, with boys, with everything I'm doing...and things are playing out the same way..lol. And the funniest part, is I'm upset about some of it...

So...this is my moment when I'm going to do my best to commit to stepping outside the box a bit...let go of the people who don't increase the good moment in my life...let go of the boys that cause me internal turmoil...meet boys when I go out (that'll be a challenge..lol) and as far as school, not be afraid to get messy and make my mistakes...and try to manage my time better..

lets see how it all plays out...