so i think i figured out my flaw...

I can't handle not having answers...not in the sense of like the future..(I actually enjoy not knowing what will happen...) but I mean in the way of comprehending a situation. I think I have been so internally afraid to come home because I knew it brought me much closer to having a run in with him...

and of course I let a friend talk me into going out last night and I of course see him. Normally I would have just talked to him anyway...but I'm so hurt by one sentence he said that I couldn't even open my mouth....

plus i honestly believe deep down that he needs to try and make it better..and a hug isn't enough to do it...nothin physical will make it better....only two words can...

..."I'm sorry"

the Sartor

Hey Hey

So, I'm sitting in Philly's airport right now, reflecting on my experiences in San Francisco thus far...(i feel like I'm back in undergrad with my late night/early morning philosphy...lol) My experience is to be somewhat expected as far as the W curve goes. I came in very excited....but the first month or so after I was ther eI had to go through a lot of changes to adjust....making friends, finding my balance, etc....and I'm just starting to feel set up, around this time of my break...

So, it's been a good experience over all. I've known, even through all the down time that I made the right decision. I mean I had small doubts when I was having trouble juggling things, but the level at which I finished my classes and my final projects has given me confidence that I am definitely someone with talent in the field I have chosen, and I am also confident that the Academy will assist me in finding the level of professionalism and taste that I need to carry into the working world.

Also, I feel emotionally comfortable in San Fran..the social climate there is one that I can get down on...everything is so chill there...its' nice...it helps me balance out my stress levels..I don't fret as much and I like it....the only downfall to the relaxed way of life is that the club scene is not what I'm used to....San Franciscans don't know how to club like we do on the East Coast..but that's what Vacations are for..lol..

Anyhow, overall, I'm happy with it, and after much rest, I am excited to head back....

:*
the Sartor..

p.s. I'l include pics of my work, or links at least when I get it back next semester!!

Wings

...lol, so, I haven't posted in a long time..but I had to share my new found obsession...I want to make a pair of angel wings..lol

I just watched the 2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, and it has re-sparked my love of the wings...of course..

So, I'm already plotting to do an elaborate Halloween Costume...(which I have no idea where I can go with Wings..lol, but I'll make it happen. Anyhow, I want to do a gladiator angel so of look..I think it will be hot if I can pull it off. I'm going to play with faux leather for the harness and a midpiece...and do a rustic look with gold metallic finishes...I figure it will help me learn a lot of new techniques as well..so it'll be fun...time to start saving up..lol

anyhow, I hope everyone is well!
the sartor..

updates

Hey Guys
How's it goin? (I'd really like to kno) lol. I'm doing well. Still pretty busy, but managing a lot better. I got a bike, so I can ride around and get places faster...and it's fun! I've been going out and making more friends...I still feel a little isolated, but I think it will pass with time...Everything is pretty....chill..not much to report...weird right?! I know..no drama in my life...I like it..

Hope ur well
the Sartor

heya

The past few days have been weird. I've been trying to figure out what I want and need emotionally, I guess. I'm single again, but I don't feel like its right. So I'm trying to figure out whether I should wait to see where things go? Or look for some sort of new companionship, or just fool around...I don't like any of these Ideas, but I REALLY don't feel like being alone. I still feel pretty isolated in the city. So I've been trying to find some new partners in Crime (Miss my MU, DC, and NN Fams...you know who you are).

Been trying to focus on just class and such, but oddly enough, its harder after Sunday, like I have some spot to fill...and I don't like it...

O well...gotta play the hand I'm dealt I guess...just waiting it out til the last card is drawn, and I can move onto a new hand..lol...

O! in juxtaposition to this, I went on a bike ride by myself to Sausolito and back. It was pretty nice too..I finally crossed the Golden Gate, and saw a beautiful skyline of the city and Twin Peaks framed by the fog....too bad my camera is bad ass enough to capture it...Also, Sausolito is goregous..its a quaint little beachtown. I'd love to retire there..or at least go for a night...dinner and a stroll by the water...one day..lol

Anyhow, I had that moment again...where I saw all this beautiful stuff, but have no one to share it with...funny how I always find myself there..

"Morning. Strawberry sky dusted with white winter powder sugar sun. And nobody to munch on it with"


Night All..
The Sartor

meh...

So, I just want to vent a bit....I'm overworked, underpaid, and (much to my disliking) newly single. I've been trying to make it all work...but it looks like it's been too much. I fucked the relationship to hell, and all I can seem to do is work. I don't do anything fun, so I guess it's time to just start saying fuck it (mostly to sleep I guess) and just go out and be silly.

I need to meet some people, shake my ass a bit, be crazy...I'm in San Fran, right?

...I dunno, I just wanted me and this boy to work out, I felt like we could, but he has no reason to believe that, and it's not fair to make him wait. I think I may have lost out on the one guy who has been the best to me...o well, I would screw up something good...

...well, like he said, if it was meant to be, right?

ok..time to go to class and get it together..

the sartor

Mecca...thus far...

...is pretty freakin' sweet...

Heya all! It's been a while, hope everyone's doing ok..! I've obv. been making changes and all, and thus hadn't been updating, but here I am again!

So, I am currently a new transplant to San Francisco! I have started my first grad semester at Academy of Art. I am taking Fashion Design 1 (MY FAV THUS FAR), 3D Design 1, and Fashion Illustration 1.

Fashion Design is gonna be a series of classes to help cultivate taste and the design process. This particular section thus far is almost requiring that you be more expressive. The idea is that rules are made to be broken in this class, and I am attempting to to break out of the restraints I've learned to get into with previous assignments and projects. It is already a help just three classes in as far as opening my mind to ideas...(I'm even considering designing womenswear, GO FIGURE!)

3D Design is a patterning class. Both flat pattern and draping, all womens. We have started with making our own blocks, and we are about to make muslins to test them. I feel amazing in that class, because I am definitely one of the fastest and best at it..lol..Marymount's patterning has trained me well! ;) lol.


Fashion Illustration is more of a figure drawing class, but applying it to fashion. We are required to attend a nude model workshop once a week, and we draw from a clothed model in class. we are just learning anatomy and form currently, and we've also talked about real vs. fashion proportions. I really enjoy it. The teacher is very much a positive reinforcer, so even if you felt bad before class, you leave with a certain confidence!


So then I am just starting at the Levi's Flagship store in Union Square (If you ever come visit SF, u HAVE to come in) It's 3 floors. The first level is vintage, when we have it, and a customization area...so amazing. I want to try and work there someday. They do everything from hems and fitting of jeans, to embroidery, screen printing, and bling bling! lol. The Second level is Mens...it's quite nice, and the third is womens. They have the staple fits, then some seasonal stuff, and they are currently doing reissued vintage fits from the late 60s and early 70s. It's also cool, because I got a crash course in the history of denim, and some of the processes...I'm a geek for denim..(CAN U TELL I JUST FINISHED TRAINING TONIGHT?!)

Also, everyone there seems very fun, and relaxed..and hell..I can wear jeans and a tee to work, how kick ass is that?! right!

Also, the city itself is nice. It has the range of city, and nature I like. I can take a 45 min train ride to Ocean Beach. I can(and need to) go to the ZOO. But then there is also lots of art and culture in the city...the people are fun..lots of Asian decent...and lots of artistic people...also a lot of homeless people, kinda sad...

The only downfalls to the city so far is that the weather fluctuates, but that's cool, it gives me an excuse to shop for layers! lol..SELF EXPRESSION! and then also, I miss the gay clubs in DC...for those of you there still, the Club Scene there is actually pretty sweet...we are spoiled..enjoy it!

Also, I've made a few friends. My roommate Brandon is cool. He's from Kansas City..(Kansas...J-Nellie, he knows of Dodge..lol) Elliott is from Santa Cruz, like an hour away..exactly what u'd picture in a CA surf town boy..lol. He invited us to come visit his home..I wanna go so I can see the beach..lol, and then there is Jon, but he is hardly here...he is very stealthy..japanese gamer. And he visits his girlfriend a lot. lol

Then I've made a few friends. Blake I met on the plane. Xavier (my bf) and I refer to him as "Blakes on a plane"..yes, nerdy, I kno. lol Then there is Sarah. She is from Nova..so we connect on that level. Then there is Indigo. She is fun. graduated from Hampton University, and is taking the Grad Merchandising program. She has me laughing CONSTANTLY! then there is Gigi, my class partner. lol We have the same schedule. She is of Philippino decent, and reminds me of Kristin Patricio..sounds JUST LIKE HER! lol. love her already...

O, and Xavier, the guy I'm dating (yea, it was fast...i kno) He's pretty amazing. Has been showing me around town, and introducing me to a lot. He's pretty good to me too...seems genuinely interested in me and my well being!

So, yea, that's an overview...questions?!
k, love you bye bye!
the Sartor

The Update 7/28/2008

So, I've been on a blogging hiatus, mostly because I have been trying to enjoy my last bit of time here. I think I've succeeded too...

I've been feeling very good about life. Having dealt with all the drama of people I carried along through life, I have actually felt like a lot of the stress has come off of me..and it has allowed me to process all that I learned from everyone over these past 6 years...

I say 6 years because that is when I first started dating...and since then, I have been constantly drowning in drama, either externally caused, or self inflicted. This is the first time I have felt like I was remotely free of it all, and I like it.

From all of these things, I've seen a few things...when I eliminate drama, I can enjoy my time better. I don't have to constantly stay busy, to distract myself, I can lay around and day dream, imagine my future, design clothes in my head, whatever I want, because I'm mostly free to think. I've also learned that I don't deserve to put up with men that are not at the same place I am. I have seen potential in a lot of guys, and basically waited for them to get to the point I needed them to be at...the issues with that though are that he may never get there, and that simple lesson has taken me 6 years to figure out.

Plus this has allowed me to be braver....as stupid as it sounds...for example, before this time, I would never have gone out alone..because of some fear that I can't explain, though I know it's tied to the men I've put around myself...and I went out this past Friday, all by myself, and had a good time...so, I guess I'm saying I'm learning to be REALLY comfortable in my own skin...and mind...

I remember thinking that this summer was going to be hard for me, with a lot of my friends not being here, and the situations I needed to manage, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed, and just like always, I found my way, and enjoyed myself. There were some rough spots, but I am happy with the place I am emotionally, socially, etc. I am ready to make the changes happen...

...just in time for my 3000 mile move to a place that is unfamiliar, where I don't know anyone...


I'm SO excited...

p.s. CONGRATS SIS! (she has an adorable baby BOY! Zaier Christian!)

Why can't moments like this...

really exist...?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MW3lF9W0g6o

..I love this...and I want to experience something so warm and loving...

the sartor..

Is a letter enough?

I wonder if I am being dramatic, or trying to live my life like a movie, or what...and I need some outside opinion, so this is a post that I'd like some response to...

I am emotionally holding onto someone...and I have been working on letting go, but I need to wrap it up mentally, before I can move on..literally and figuratively...so, I'm wondering if a letter is a good choice..

I feel like I need to wrap it up, and speak my piece, for my own mental sake. I know otherwise, I won't get the closure I need...and I need more than any other time in this case...

the reason I don't feel like I can have the conversation in person is that 1) I will get emotional, and not be clear or say what I need to, and 2) I am afraid I will lose the ground I have gained in moving on by physically seeing him...which also means I'd deliver the note and go...

but my instinct tells me that this is a bit of a cop out...yet it is a necessary one...i just don't kno....

comments welcome and appreciated!

thesartor

the clearest mirror you can find...

...is in the eye of another...

Isn't it funny how you can see something someone else is doing and know what they should do, but when you are that person, everything is so muddled?

I've had that experience with a few of my friends recently. And I think it is one of the only ways I ever learn lessons in life. I watch others and help them, and in doing so, some of the confusing parts of what I lived begin to make sense...maybe that's the whole purpose of this blog...who knows..just a thought I thought I'd share..

Muah..
the Sartor

Who says you can't learn from movies...?

..I think you can take something out of everything...

I have watched two movies in the past few days...August Rush and Jumper...both of which I enjoyed....August Rush for the hope it put back in me...and Jumper to metaphorically express what I've been doing...

August Rush is about a young Prodigy, who uses his gift of music to find the parents he never met. It is such a sweet movie...This boy is full of hope. He hears music in everything. And he, like his parents have these two traits..perseverance and faith in himself...

Jumper is about a young(and very attractive, i might add..lol) man who can teleport to any place on earth. He encounters all these problems, and then is forced to confront them head on when he's hunted...

August Rush made me realize that, yea, this are hard, but I gotta keep moving and know that my gifts will get me to the people and places I need to be...I mean I am going to San Francisco...and it has always been a dream of mine to see and live in CA..and it's happening..so, I know that if I keep my eyes and ears open, the other things I need in life will come..I just have to make sure I show up to get them...

and Jumper made me realize that although I am leaving, I can't run from my problems here..I have to address them as best I can..and accept what I can't do, only after having tried to fix it....

...but I wouldn't mind if I could jump a bit..haha 

time to dream a bit..

the Sartor

I promise myself..

...that I'm gonna do better.

I put myself in a cycle which I know I need to get out of...well a few cycles...

So, today, I'm blogging this to let myself(and the rest of the world, I guess) that its time to break these cycles. I heard on the radio this morning (while commuting) that if you need something, you gotta speak on it, and this is not the first time...I've been lying around, waiting, but I'm gonna speak on it...

• I'm going to make it thru this summer...happily
• I'm going to safely and comfortabley make it to San Francisco
• I'm going to find a job, both here and in San Francisco, that I am happy with
• I'm going to meet wonderful and amazing friends in San Fran.
• I'll be happy and successful
• I'll keep in touch with my friends here
  
• Lastly(and most important to me) I'll find love out there and keep it this time..

That's my list!
Let's see how things play out, shall we!

the Sartor

Rock Bottom...

...means you can only go up.

I'm in the stage of depression where you just start to feel a little better, so you can get into trouble...and no I don't mean suicide silly, I mean where I do things that put me in a worse position, like listen to the wrong music, or talk to the wrong people...

..i've been having a hard summer, having still not really started working (I had a job that didn't work out, so I'm on the hunt, if u have any suggestions.) I'm also going thru a lot of emotional changes..some romantic, some friend, some family, some internal, all intense, having hit me at once.
I am just ready to go...but the more and more I reflect on what is happening, I am realizing that I need to learn patience...I mean, I knew that already, but everything this summer, is a waiting game...waiting for my friends to get back to me...waiting to hear back from jobs, waiting to find out what is going on with men in my life, waiting for the right time to say how I feel...waiting for the next step...

...and anyone who knows me, knows I am not very good at waiting for much of anything..

so I guess I'll learn...but its not an easy process...but it seems that nothing in life that is worthwhile is...

my art..

..it seems it comes from my emotions...I've tried many times to just draw...when there is nothing affecting how I feel...and it never works...I can't produce anything I'm happy with..

..but when I'm sad...I generally feel the need to get something out...like I have to release something from inside...and the best way to set the emotion free is to do something expressive...something artistic....be it drawing, photography, or fashion...

like tonight..I drove around to spots on the river..and took some photos...but I'm so sad today...because I don't want to be alone...I thought that I'd be able to surround myself with my friends before I left...so I wouldn't have to feel so isolated before I left...because I know I will feel alone when I first move...but its getting hard now...because I feel like although I'm the one leaving, everyone is abandoning me. I kno it's really that people just have things to do..or they've moved already, but it feels like everyone has just moved on, because I'm leaving..I feel like graduation came..and everyone decided that it was easier to just cut me off now instead of in August...

...and then on my photo shoot excursion...i saw all these couples..and families...a couple in the rose garden...a couple on the pier...a family doing family photos at the rose garden and in the park...and it just makes my heart hurt...because I feel like I don't really belong anywhere now...

..which is just as good..when I leave, maybe all the attachments I have made will be severed since I don't feel the reciprocation..(from most people..) and maybe it'll be easier to leave...

...i don't want to wait the rest of the summer..i wanna leave now...cuz then hurting will make sense to me...

It's time for a change...

...and it starts now. I am sick and tired of people. I had the right idea in High School. Stick with the small group of amazing friends you have, and be nice, but don't get too involved with aquaintances. With college, I think that living here made me get too close to some people, that should have just been aquaintances.

Anyhow, I'm learning who my true friends are, in this time of change, and I'm learning who needs to be cut off...and soon the guillotine is gonna fall on the bond of our relationships...

..so...
1) If you are someone who is selfish, focusing only on you, it's time to let go.
2) If you do nothing but come to me when you need something, time to go.
3) if you are condesending, you are most likely already half gone, and the other half of you is being let go.
4) If you mistreat my friends in ways major and/or unforgivable, you are cut off...
5) If you in some way risk my health, mentally or physically, and make no attempts to fix your ways, I have to let you go
6) Any other ridiculousness I am currently forgetting...

Essentially, I am on my way out of this chapter, moving onto the next. Just like with commencement of high school, I am evaluating my relationships..and the people who have loved me, and let me love them will continue to be around...and those who are unhealthy or undesireable will be cut off...

and no hard feelings...minus one or two of you who have just caused me grief I haven't yet dealt with..and I'm sure you kno who you are if you're reading this...

Anyhow...to those who have been true friends, know that I love you and will do my best to stay in contact, as I know that you will in return!

OUTTIE!
the sartor

I had the best run of my life today( 5/10/08)...

..and it wasn't because my time was a personal best, or because I ran that extra mile. It's because the blood and sweat pumped to the rhythmic beat of my feet on the earth led to me having nothing but my thoughts to focus on.

I remember in the 12th grade, in my AP English class, I learned that in literature, nature represents the natural, primal human mind. I think it makes sense..

As I ran down the Donaldson Run trail, I ran further from what looked like Suburbia and closer to what looked like spaces only touched by God, and my feet. Rock, stream, sand, plant and animal all created by him.

Being in such a place, I wasn't distracted and had time and the clear mind to think about my life. Since my commencement is tomorrow, I think I had a strong desire to reflect on everything I learned in these 4 years...and it turned into something much more.

I looked back on all the relationships that floated back to memory, like the debris floating down that rain-filled stream to the Potomac.

So here's what I learned....

With every relationship I've had, I have lived it, it has ended or grown, and I have taken an experience from it...and each of these experiences have helped me in the next relationship(s)

Each one idea I get flows into another and helps me evaluate not only various situations, but into my own mental state, allowing me to grow and mature.

This makes me realize that although I have had a much harder time than a lot of people my age, that I am blessed to know so much about myself. I have learned what I want out of life, love and the future, and I am working towards that now...

meh...

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

this is how I'm kinda feeling right now. I wanna get to one place, establish myself. The instability is exhausting, trying to figure out my next step and all. I need to be able to work and such in a way to where I can live without the paycheck to paycheck game...

this change is going to be an amazing one, but getting there is gonna be a test of my patience, inner strength, and emotional management skills, not to mention my financial planning skills, lol. I am also aware that I am capable of such a change, but my energy level these past few days has been lacking, due to all the planning I'm trying to get done..and the job hunting, and sewing and things to make money. Its just..a lot, especially when it has to all be done alone...

meh...I'm def. tired of it.

this past weekend..

...made me realize some things...

I don't need to put up with the men in my life who have issues...life is much more...enjoyable and worthwhile when I spend it with someone else who also has their head together, and who knows what and who it is they want...

the guy I spent this weekend made me feel strange, but in the best way possible...I think this weekend was the first time ever, that I let someone basically treat me and take care of me...make sure I was ok, and not over thinking...and not seem to ask for anything...I didn't have to do anything I didn't want...I felt special...and I haven't really had that before, in part because I wouldn't allow it, but also, because they guys I have been involved with before now haven't been able to do that...

so, needless to say, I had a great time with a wonderfully sweet, gorgeous boy...so, thank you for making me feel good, if you are reading this, and you know who you are!

...maybe there are a few good ones out there...

Night my lovlies!

the sartor

gotta get my heart back to...

the way it used to love...

This song by Keyshia is hitting deep down inside me right now...I think because i'm starting to realize I need to make some internal changes with how I love other people...friends all the way up to boys...I just feel like belting this out...Keyshia's CD, like i said before I think, seems to be expressing all these emotions I had no words for...makes it easier..

[Verse 1:]
I know where I went wrong when I loved you more then I loved myself.
I would have done anything for you.
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
And I learned when I realized you didn't love me the way that I loved you but now I know.
It's hurts inside.
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
Aye, Aye, aye.

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love.
The way it used to be.
And the way it used to feel.
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (Aye)
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (Aye)
The way it used to be.
And the way it used to feel. (The way it)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you.

[Verse 2:]
All I want is true love.
Couldn't tolerate no more loving someone who couldn't learn to love somebody else.
That's why my heart ain't been the same.
Aye, Aye.
I see right now where it's heading down.
The same road I've seen before.
But no one told me that it would hurt this way.
And my life wouldn't be the same.
That's why I got to get my heart back to...

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (The way it used to love)
The way it used to be. (The way it used to be)
And the way it used to feel. (The way it used to feel before I)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love with you.

[Bridge:]
You ain't gotta lie.
You see me lookin fly.
You want me on your arm.
Well I ain't got the time.
I've seen it all baby.
I've been around the world and it's a cold game everywhere around the world.
I've seen n****s get crossed up cuz they the realist. And all the realist n****s in the
streets ain't got no feelings.
It comes from being neglected and I'm so alone.
I'm in my own zone tryna get my heart back. 

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (Tryna get me heart back, hey)
The way it used to be. (The way it)
And the way it used to feel. (And the way it used to fell before I, aye)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (With you)
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (I'm tryna get my heart, aye )
The way it used to be. (Can you understand)
And the way it used to feel. (How it used to be before I, hey)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (Oh)

The way I used to love baby.
The way I used to be baby.
The way I used to feel baby.
Before I fell in love baby.

The way I used to love baby.
The way I used to be baby.
The way I used to feel baby.
Before I fell in love baby.

addendum

....and this is a bit of man bashing, but I need to try and push this out of my system...maybe I am one of those people who doesn't notice the good guy when he's right under my nose...but I seem to only find the guys that come with issues...and the part of me that worries about everyone else falls hard for that, because I want to help by nature..(not to mention the eyes...lol)

but a friend of mine said something, and then I heard it said to Jane, from "27 Dresses" and I've come to realize something. Jessica, someone i trust and who knows me well said when commenting on a guy I was interested in," I don't see him as your type."

 I asked ,"Why not?" 

and she replies," Because all though you are capable of taking care of someone, and good at it, I've always imagined you wanted a guy who could take care of you too.."

Then, Kevin says to Jane something about how, he came to her the night she destroyed her sister's wedding, because he knew she was gonna have a hard time and wanted someone there...and he said something like "you've been in 27 weddings...you've taken care of everyone else, and I wanted tonight to be there for you..."

...and I think that's what I need...someone in my life who is capable of caring for me in return...I'm tired of being the caretaker...I need it to even distribution of things in my relationships...

The Thing about movies...

They are my favorite form of escape, movies are....a good movie will make you forget the room you are sitting in. It will take you away from the life you live for about two hours...they make you engage the characters and become a part of the drama, and deep down, there's that slight bit of satisfaction when you are given information the characters are unaware of....I even enjoy feeling awkward for the clumsy kid, or the socially awkward boy who doesn't kno how to talk to the girl he loves...

the part of this experience I dislike is the snap back to reality...I hate having to come back to my life after living such a perfectly written life on the screen...and each type of movie can make me feel that snap, but the worst is the bane of my existence...the romantic comedy..haha

For example, I just watched "27 Dresses" with Katherine Heigl. I loved it, and what's worse is I actually identify with this one..because I feel like a lot of my life has been in line with hers...romantically speaking..if my friends were getting married, I'd be in the wedding party...everytime...but I don't have a lot of luck with my love life..and up until recently, I've not even expressed what I need...and I'm still not quick to speak up...I worry about everyone else more than myself...and I don't kno how to stop really....but I'm trying...

because, I'm tired of being that person...the friend...I mean, I've literally been in Jane's position, where I've loved someone and helped them be with someone else...and its a shitty feeling...and I've helped friends a lot more than most people would...

so, here is where real life and movies split...if my love life were a movie, right about now, a guy would be entering my life, obnoxious, but sexy, like James Marsden's character, Kevin...and he'd be undeniably attractive, but I'd be trying to deny it..lol..and he's push the envelope of how I handle my relationships...or he'd at least help me(whether he knew it or not) to get passed this issue, until I realized he was supposed to be with me....

...but that's a movie..lol..so, I'm stuck here by myself, trying to figure out how best to manage my emotions...and deal with all the shit situations I've gotten myself into emotionally...I'd rather have the movie..lol

It's Funny how life works out...

Things have gone quite well, with the show having passed. I won two awards, got lots of praise for my senior line. I feel amazing, because my work has paid off. Also, there was a more recent problem which caused a discrepancy with my graduating...and i was really scared I'd have to put a hold on grad school, but this have blown over...

..so, it's nice, because even with all the hard emotional things I've had to work through, even right up through the show, I have learned that I'm gonna make it, and that everything really does work out in the end.

Life feels like a movie, because everything has wrapped up...and this chapter is ending quite nicely...Let's get ready for the next part..

more on my cycle

so, i spoke with a counselor today..and asked him about the cycles of relationships that people have..and how i was trying to figure out why I keep attracting the same guys...the type who seem to be emotionally unavailable. He said that a lot of the time, people who seem to emotionally sound, attract people who don't know themselves fully on an emotional level. Also, the ones who have it together (Me in this case) tend to sometimes be the type to look for people they can help, which I find myself guilty of...on that same aspect, these people also look for challenges, people who aren't necessarily easy to fix..I think I can be guilty of that too...

so the next question is: Do I continue on this trend of finding men who I can help? Do I move onto men who have it together...

In a weird sort of way, it makes me happy to be able to help guys emotionally...I think what I want is a guy who will let me help him..because the other thing my exs have in common is that they shut me out...which I hate...

Also, I don't want the challenges anymore..I want someone I can help emotionally, who can help me with real life (money, managing work and play, other practical things)

So, maybe I haven't met the guy from my dream..or maybe I have..we'll wait and see..

random, but important

In Honor of Ms. Proulx's birthday, I have decided to post this:

Fag Hag is a nasty sounding term for such a close relationship....so, I've decided that my friend will be dubbed my "FairyGod Sister"...a.k.a. the amazing, goregous female who has my back...!

and another HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her! MUAH!

the Sartor

my dream..

...so, there is dream I had a long time ago...and it's been imprinted in my brain...and I'm hoping that describing it here will bring me some peace...because I can't seem to shake it..and its making me try and live some dream life...anyhow, onto the dream. before i begin, it is vivid, and felt real. Not like deja vu, but like I was watching it happen and there are the same time...kinda like a movie...a video of myself...but I feel all that's happening as I watch...

...so, I wake up, in this room near the beach. I can smell the ocean..and it is wonderful. I slowly rise out of the bed and realize the room is glowing...a faint silver glow, like everything in the room is made from pieces of the moon...I get up and am wearing a pair of underwear out of this silver material with the same glow...then I notice the curtains are blowing in the wind...the patio door is open...so, i see a robe that is sheer, gauze, and glowing in the same silver...and as i touch it, i feel the wind from the ocean, so i put it on...and walk onto the balcony...and look up at the fullest moon i've ever seen...but it is extremely close..and it feels like the moon is making everything thing in what i guess is my room glow. I look up and catch another chill from the wind...and feel very isolated, lonely...and then all of a sudden, a guy, someone extremely familiar hugs me from behind. As he holds me, the isolation goes away..and I just feel...warm...safe...complete...and so many other amazing emotions I can't describe...I just have this thought that he is my soulmate...then its like the "camera" of my dream pans out and he is shadow, even though everything is glowing...so, it "pans back in" and I turn to see him...but then I wake up...

and I wake up with the same feeling of contentment, but I am at a loss, because I obviously wanting to know who he is...and I haven't had the dream since high school, but I remember it as vividly as I dreamt it. I close it and can see it in my head...

...and it is more of a fantasy now than anything...and fantasies aren't really doing me any good in life...especially when they involve this mystery man, who I never get to see, so I've decided it needs to be let go of, because I feel like it is affecting how I am responding to situations in my life...and it's dumb..lol

so, i'm hoping that writing it will at least help me begin to lay my silver dream and my shadow man to rest...

the sartor

Just Like You

This Album is amazing...its so emotional...and if nothing else, has been an indication that someone else has gone through some stuff...lol. However, her lyrics are dead on with some of the things I couldn't explain within myself....and its applies a lot to this last semester of mine...Not to mention her voice is AMAZING! my favorite is Heaven Sent..one day I'll find my angel...

ok, I'm really out for today!

the Sartor

is it rediculous to post twice in a day?

o well I'm doing it..lol...I have a lot on my mind, on this gray, windy sunday...so maybe it's the weather...who knows

...but I'm just tired of being tired, like all my older friends and fam say. I want things to not be so intense right now...lol. And I know that's not fair to say really, because it is life, and also, I have been blessed with quite a lot. But I must vent my frustrations for my(and those around me's) health. 

First, let me give thanks to my friends and family and whomever else is out there who has helped me. I've gotten into the Grad School I wanted, won a Menswear award(and a check too..lol), I'm healthy, I have some great friends who help me out, and I'm about to be the first person in the family I kno to graduate from a 4 year university. So, I am successful, and happy with all of that, as I have had faith I would.

But here is where I need to get some things out. I know, that how I feel now is part of the "W Curve" It is an explanation of feelings and growth through any changes you go through in life. It is an explanation for culture shocks and things like that...College is one of those such shocks, and since I am reaching the end, it only makes sense to feel the intenseness. And because of my awesome OL training, I also know that it will get better, and that when I get to California for grad school, I'll jump into another curve...

However, knowing that doesn't help me feel any better...because I am broke, trying to make ends meet for all my supplies, and fees to graduate, and the things I want and need...like some bitch stole my Ipod, for example, and I've been going insane with out it! and it would be nice to spend money on that kind of stuff, but realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for life, because now if I have no money, I have no food. Or if something makes me sick, I need to be prepared...I can't just continue to be irresponsible with my money.

And I am tired of people who seem to love me just...stopping. Which I don't think is what they're doing...but for whatever reason, the issues that people don't have handled eat at them until they shut down...and I am one of the first things to go. And to a degree I understand eliminating things you don't understand, I've been depressed and confused and lost all at the same time to the point of extreme depression...(and yes, I talked to someone)

Its called...being forced out of the closet at 16, in High School, A.K.A. Hell, while watching your grandparents dying slowly and it eating away at your mother...

In which case, I shut down to a point as well. But I never cut the people out who were there for me...and in the past two instances, when I have been truly in love with someone...to the point of wanting to possibly be with them forever....I was shut out, because they were confused...and it hurts...

On top of the fact that I am finding out that some of my friends are not friends, but "friends" and lets be real...I'm so over this shit! If you don't really like me, don't pretend to be my friend, I have no problem letting people I don't like or want around me know it. It makes things clear...but I can't expect clarity out of everyone, can I?

The good news is that all of this, will generally be addressed when I hit the end of the curve...because when I am gone, I can work, with my degree, and make some extra money, to get my Ipod...and not starve..lol...but of course new problems will arise, but that's life..

and as far as the neglect from those I love...I will be gone, so if they really loved me, I'll find out or not..and who knows maybe friendships can arise...plus who knows, maybe I'm meant to be with some gorgeous model from the beach?! lol...who won't be confused and know that I'm the one for him...and he'll treat me right and know how to communicate to me..and...simply love me, No ifs or buts... 

and as for the fake friends? I have many of them..and if you aren't capable of just cutting them out for lack of time(when there are tons) moving makes it easy..they simply lose touch...

so, now it's a waiting game...which gives life time to get to the last top point of my curve...to the excitement of my move..and the amazing summer I'm gonna have with my amazing friends and family. My last hoo-rah as it were...

I have faith that whoever is out there watching me will help me through all of this...because things always work out...they always have...

<3

The Sartor

neglected

I have this character flaw...and it makes things hard for me sometimes. I have this HUGE problem with people ignoring me...well, friends, that is. And i am not completely unreasonable. For example, if I call my friend or something, I don't expect a response immediately. I do however expect that it shouldn't take a week for a reply of some sort, especially if it had been previously established that we are close. And I'm not just saying with some silly exclamation. I mean by events that have expressed emotions and similarities...good times and bad. 

For most of my life I've put up with it. I've been the kid to just sit back and take the "friends" I could get, because I am lonely...but that is so STUPID, and I know it...so, why do I still do it? I know logically, that people who do not necessarily communicate with me either need to learn to communicate which I don't have time or energy to teach anymore or (more than likely) don't want anything to do with me...so, why do I make an ass of myself?

Must be emotions of some sort, that's the only reason I don't generally do what makes logical sense. Because I have some strong emotional attachment to that person. It's nice, because I have a hard time feeling close to people...but it suxs that they don't feel close in return which makes me want to connect even less.

The other reason I feel I wait around is to absolutely convince myself they don't care for me. You know, what if I freaked out for no reason? I mean, yes, people have bad weeks sometimes..so, give them the benefit...but if this isn't the first "benefit" i've attended...than why am I still there...?

So, to anyone that reads this and knows me, you know I mean this when I say it. I have been through a lot of shit in my life...and I know that rejections are something people must face..and I am prepared in most cases for it. Rejection and I are close..lol...He(because you know that anything that drives me crazy generally is masculine) is both stressful and an inspiration, rejection is. But I accept that he will always be there..

However, I do not feel as tho I should have to put up with neglect. If you are a friend, you can at least say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy" or, "now is not a good time..."something to indicate that you acknowledge my attempts to communicate but must quickly dash away. 

If not, people are gonna have to lose spots in my life, and then maybe I'll get some answers...because I refuse to be unhappy in the background anymore...we'll see i guess

the sartor

On a good note tho...

Minus boys being extremely confusing and stressful, life is GOOD! I am about graduate, I was recently admitted to a graduate program in Fashion Design, at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco. I also just found out today that I am receiving the NAMSB Menswear Award..and a scholarship to go with!!!

So, I just have to stay focused, and go with the flow and i am sure that things will go well! Wish me luck..I'm a little scared, but more to come soon!

Mikey

cycles...

I'm learning about myself recently...mainly in the arena of love and relationships. I'm getting the impression that people found relationships that are similar to ones in the past. The familiar is something we naturally gravitate towards. Sometimes that's good. For example, a lot of the qualities in my best friend Jennah can be found in my friend Christina. Both are silly, sweet, amazing girls, who generally understand what I am thinking with just a look. lol so, the cycles i go thru in finding friends is a good one..

...but with men, i seem to gravitate towards one type of guy...the one that doesn't have it together emotionally. they seem very good for me in the beginning...and they have tons of potential to be lifetime commitments...but the main issue is that communication is not something that we can manage to make work...and so, things start amazing..then drag out..because there is a lot of gray area...

this is making me crazy...mainly because I have tons of moments of deja vu...and I feel like a fool, because I am reliving the same mistakes...and the simple answer would be to just stop...but I kno that internally, if I just cut them off, I don't give them the chance to make changes...and I have to give them the oppurtunity..or i'll regret it...

I'm just tired of ending up in this position..but I don't notice I'm here until its much too late...:-(

Day 1

Hey Guys, 

This is my first time around this place..haha...but expect lots of funness and emotional exploration, considering I'm considering I am concluding my 4 years of undergrad...but I have to go do some work, so I'll post something substantial later..haha