my foggy beach day...

So, I went to Marshall Beach today, thinking it would be warm like my side of the city...but as I got closer, I saw that it was covered in a thick fog...then stuff like, half my lock got lost, and it was getting colder, etc started to happen...and considering I've been in a shitty mood the past few days, I almost took it as a sign to turn back...but then something would say it was a salvageable day, so I continued. I walked my bike down the multitude of steps to the dreary, choppy lonely little beach...and it was the nicest thing I could have done...

I got to think a lot about what's been bothering me...this boy thing..lol..

So, I make a point to take a chunk of the only down time I'll get til the summer for him. I feel like I make it very clear that my intentions are to have a large amount of private time with him to relax and wind down...I fly the 6 hours back home...

...and am received with a lack of enthusiasm and very little effort initially. This boy is supposed to love me...but it doesn't feel like it...

Notice how i said he is supposed to love me...not that he is in love with me. I would label my emotions for him as in love...I know he isn't on that level for me...but I was ok with that for this weekend...assuming I got the time I wanted...and hell, my friends love me...and I them. I'm not asking for much, just to basically hold up his end of the bargain..luckily, I was somewhat expecting disappointment...

I get that he was busy, but the way he handled the situations over the weekend were frustrating for me...I felt very unimportant and unappreciated. All he kept talking about was his trip next weekend, and his car....like he wanted this weekend to be over..which DEF. makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside....and it wasn't until I basically bitched about the fact that I came to visit him specifically that I got results...

I'm not expecting the whole weekend to dedicated to me...but I was definitely expecting that some time be carved out for me...and it wasn't..

I don't know at this point what he wants...at first his words were very much of one who was in love with me and I could feel honesty behind the words, I believe (though I doubted that would last)...and it slowly faded to this weird nothingness. I am now backburner boy..lol...

I just can't feel any sort of care in him as far as I am concerned...and someone told me that sometimes people like to have someone comfortable around so that if they are taking a risk in a new arena of life, they have can fall back on the comfortable person..

..am I a fallback plan? I don't know..it would make sense, based off of my previous behavior that I'd be a good candidate...but I am also learning from my previous experiences, that I always put in too much effort...and I really gotta stop doing it...

..so maybe this time I need to step away, and let things fall as them may...

..time will tell.