my art..

..it seems it comes from my emotions...I've tried many times to just draw...when there is nothing affecting how I feel...and it never works...I can't produce anything I'm happy with..

..but when I'm sad...I generally feel the need to get something out...like I have to release something from inside...and the best way to set the emotion free is to do something expressive...something artistic....be it drawing, photography, or fashion...

like tonight..I drove around to spots on the river..and took some photos...but I'm so sad today...because I don't want to be alone...I thought that I'd be able to surround myself with my friends before I left...so I wouldn't have to feel so isolated before I left...because I know I will feel alone when I first move...but its getting hard now...because I feel like although I'm the one leaving, everyone is abandoning me. I kno it's really that people just have things to do..or they've moved already, but it feels like everyone has just moved on, because I'm leaving..I feel like graduation came..and everyone decided that it was easier to just cut me off now instead of in August...

...and then on my photo shoot excursion...i saw all these couples..and families...a couple in the rose garden...a couple on the pier...a family doing family photos at the rose garden and in the park...and it just makes my heart hurt...because I feel like I don't really belong anywhere now...

..which is just as good..when I leave, maybe all the attachments I have made will be severed since I don't feel the reciprocation..(from most people..) and maybe it'll be easier to leave...

...i don't want to wait the rest of the summer..i wanna leave now...cuz then hurting will make sense to me...

It's time for a change...

...and it starts now. I am sick and tired of people. I had the right idea in High School. Stick with the small group of amazing friends you have, and be nice, but don't get too involved with aquaintances. With college, I think that living here made me get too close to some people, that should have just been aquaintances.

Anyhow, I'm learning who my true friends are, in this time of change, and I'm learning who needs to be cut off...and soon the guillotine is gonna fall on the bond of our relationships...

..so...
1) If you are someone who is selfish, focusing only on you, it's time to let go.
2) If you do nothing but come to me when you need something, time to go.
3) if you are condesending, you are most likely already half gone, and the other half of you is being let go.
4) If you mistreat my friends in ways major and/or unforgivable, you are cut off...
5) If you in some way risk my health, mentally or physically, and make no attempts to fix your ways, I have to let you go
6) Any other ridiculousness I am currently forgetting...

Essentially, I am on my way out of this chapter, moving onto the next. Just like with commencement of high school, I am evaluating my relationships..and the people who have loved me, and let me love them will continue to be around...and those who are unhealthy or undesireable will be cut off...

and no hard feelings...minus one or two of you who have just caused me grief I haven't yet dealt with..and I'm sure you kno who you are if you're reading this...

Anyhow...to those who have been true friends, know that I love you and will do my best to stay in contact, as I know that you will in return!

OUTTIE!
the sartor

I had the best run of my life today( 5/10/08)...

..and it wasn't because my time was a personal best, or because I ran that extra mile. It's because the blood and sweat pumped to the rhythmic beat of my feet on the earth led to me having nothing but my thoughts to focus on.

I remember in the 12th grade, in my AP English class, I learned that in literature, nature represents the natural, primal human mind. I think it makes sense..

As I ran down the Donaldson Run trail, I ran further from what looked like Suburbia and closer to what looked like spaces only touched by God, and my feet. Rock, stream, sand, plant and animal all created by him.

Being in such a place, I wasn't distracted and had time and the clear mind to think about my life. Since my commencement is tomorrow, I think I had a strong desire to reflect on everything I learned in these 4 years...and it turned into something much more.

I looked back on all the relationships that floated back to memory, like the debris floating down that rain-filled stream to the Potomac.

So here's what I learned....

With every relationship I've had, I have lived it, it has ended or grown, and I have taken an experience from it...and each of these experiences have helped me in the next relationship(s)

Each one idea I get flows into another and helps me evaluate not only various situations, but into my own mental state, allowing me to grow and mature.

This makes me realize that although I have had a much harder time than a lot of people my age, that I am blessed to know so much about myself. I have learned what I want out of life, love and the future, and I am working towards that now...

meh...

Sick and tired of being sick and tired?

this is how I'm kinda feeling right now. I wanna get to one place, establish myself. The instability is exhausting, trying to figure out my next step and all. I need to be able to work and such in a way to where I can live without the paycheck to paycheck game...

this change is going to be an amazing one, but getting there is gonna be a test of my patience, inner strength, and emotional management skills, not to mention my financial planning skills, lol. I am also aware that I am capable of such a change, but my energy level these past few days has been lacking, due to all the planning I'm trying to get done..and the job hunting, and sewing and things to make money. Its just..a lot, especially when it has to all be done alone...

meh...I'm def. tired of it.

this past weekend..

...made me realize some things...

I don't need to put up with the men in my life who have issues...life is much more...enjoyable and worthwhile when I spend it with someone else who also has their head together, and who knows what and who it is they want...

the guy I spent this weekend made me feel strange, but in the best way possible...I think this weekend was the first time ever, that I let someone basically treat me and take care of me...make sure I was ok, and not over thinking...and not seem to ask for anything...I didn't have to do anything I didn't want...I felt special...and I haven't really had that before, in part because I wouldn't allow it, but also, because they guys I have been involved with before now haven't been able to do that...

so, needless to say, I had a great time with a wonderfully sweet, gorgeous boy...so, thank you for making me feel good, if you are reading this, and you know who you are!

...maybe there are a few good ones out there...

Night my lovlies!

the sartor

gotta get my heart back to...

the way it used to love...

This song by Keyshia is hitting deep down inside me right now...I think because i'm starting to realize I need to make some internal changes with how I love other people...friends all the way up to boys...I just feel like belting this out...Keyshia's CD, like i said before I think, seems to be expressing all these emotions I had no words for...makes it easier..

[Verse 1:]
I know where I went wrong when I loved you more then I loved myself.
I would have done anything for you.
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
And I learned when I realized you didn't love me the way that I loved you but now I know.
It's hurts inside.
(Aye, aye, aye, aye)
Aye, Aye, aye.

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love.
The way it used to be.
And the way it used to feel.
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (Aye)
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (Aye)
The way it used to be.
And the way it used to feel. (The way it)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you.

[Verse 2:]
All I want is true love.
Couldn't tolerate no more loving someone who couldn't learn to love somebody else.
That's why my heart ain't been the same.
Aye, Aye.
I see right now where it's heading down.
The same road I've seen before.
But no one told me that it would hurt this way.
And my life wouldn't be the same.
That's why I got to get my heart back to...

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (The way it used to love)
The way it used to be. (The way it used to be)
And the way it used to feel. (The way it used to feel before I)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love with you.

[Bridge:]
You ain't gotta lie.
You see me lookin fly.
You want me on your arm.
Well I ain't got the time.
I've seen it all baby.
I've been around the world and it's a cold game everywhere around the world.
I've seen n****s get crossed up cuz they the realist. And all the realist n****s in the
streets ain't got no feelings.
It comes from being neglected and I'm so alone.
I'm in my own zone tryna get my heart back. 

[Chorus:]
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (Tryna get me heart back, hey)
The way it used to be. (The way it)
And the way it used to feel. (And the way it used to fell before I, aye)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (With you)
Got to get my heart back to the way it used to love. (I'm tryna get my heart, aye )
The way it used to be. (Can you understand)
And the way it used to feel. (How it used to be before I, hey)
Before I fell in love.
Fell in love wit you. (Oh)

The way I used to love baby.
The way I used to be baby.
The way I used to feel baby.
Before I fell in love baby.

The way I used to love baby.
The way I used to be baby.
The way I used to feel baby.
Before I fell in love baby.