addendum

....and this is a bit of man bashing, but I need to try and push this out of my system...maybe I am one of those people who doesn't notice the good guy when he's right under my nose...but I seem to only find the guys that come with issues...and the part of me that worries about everyone else falls hard for that, because I want to help by nature..(not to mention the eyes...lol)

but a friend of mine said something, and then I heard it said to Jane, from "27 Dresses" and I've come to realize something. Jessica, someone i trust and who knows me well said when commenting on a guy I was interested in," I don't see him as your type."

 I asked ,"Why not?" 

and she replies," Because all though you are capable of taking care of someone, and good at it, I've always imagined you wanted a guy who could take care of you too.."

Then, Kevin says to Jane something about how, he came to her the night she destroyed her sister's wedding, because he knew she was gonna have a hard time and wanted someone there...and he said something like "you've been in 27 weddings...you've taken care of everyone else, and I wanted tonight to be there for you..."

...and I think that's what I need...someone in my life who is capable of caring for me in return...I'm tired of being the caretaker...I need it to even distribution of things in my relationships...

The Thing about movies...

They are my favorite form of escape, movies are....a good movie will make you forget the room you are sitting in. It will take you away from the life you live for about two hours...they make you engage the characters and become a part of the drama, and deep down, there's that slight bit of satisfaction when you are given information the characters are unaware of....I even enjoy feeling awkward for the clumsy kid, or the socially awkward boy who doesn't kno how to talk to the girl he loves...

the part of this experience I dislike is the snap back to reality...I hate having to come back to my life after living such a perfectly written life on the screen...and each type of movie can make me feel that snap, but the worst is the bane of my existence...the romantic comedy..haha

For example, I just watched "27 Dresses" with Katherine Heigl. I loved it, and what's worse is I actually identify with this one..because I feel like a lot of my life has been in line with hers...romantically speaking..if my friends were getting married, I'd be in the wedding party...everytime...but I don't have a lot of luck with my love life..and up until recently, I've not even expressed what I need...and I'm still not quick to speak up...I worry about everyone else more than myself...and I don't kno how to stop really....but I'm trying...

because, I'm tired of being that person...the friend...I mean, I've literally been in Jane's position, where I've loved someone and helped them be with someone else...and its a shitty feeling...and I've helped friends a lot more than most people would...

so, here is where real life and movies split...if my love life were a movie, right about now, a guy would be entering my life, obnoxious, but sexy, like James Marsden's character, Kevin...and he'd be undeniably attractive, but I'd be trying to deny it..lol..and he's push the envelope of how I handle my relationships...or he'd at least help me(whether he knew it or not) to get passed this issue, until I realized he was supposed to be with me....

...but that's a movie..lol..so, I'm stuck here by myself, trying to figure out how best to manage my emotions...and deal with all the shit situations I've gotten myself into emotionally...I'd rather have the movie..lol

It's Funny how life works out...

Things have gone quite well, with the show having passed. I won two awards, got lots of praise for my senior line. I feel amazing, because my work has paid off. Also, there was a more recent problem which caused a discrepancy with my graduating...and i was really scared I'd have to put a hold on grad school, but this have blown over...

..so, it's nice, because even with all the hard emotional things I've had to work through, even right up through the show, I have learned that I'm gonna make it, and that everything really does work out in the end.

Life feels like a movie, because everything has wrapped up...and this chapter is ending quite nicely...Let's get ready for the next part..

more on my cycle

so, i spoke with a counselor today..and asked him about the cycles of relationships that people have..and how i was trying to figure out why I keep attracting the same guys...the type who seem to be emotionally unavailable. He said that a lot of the time, people who seem to emotionally sound, attract people who don't know themselves fully on an emotional level. Also, the ones who have it together (Me in this case) tend to sometimes be the type to look for people they can help, which I find myself guilty of...on that same aspect, these people also look for challenges, people who aren't necessarily easy to fix..I think I can be guilty of that too...

so the next question is: Do I continue on this trend of finding men who I can help? Do I move onto men who have it together...

In a weird sort of way, it makes me happy to be able to help guys emotionally...I think what I want is a guy who will let me help him..because the other thing my exs have in common is that they shut me out...which I hate...

Also, I don't want the challenges anymore..I want someone I can help emotionally, who can help me with real life (money, managing work and play, other practical things)

So, maybe I haven't met the guy from my dream..or maybe I have..we'll wait and see..

random, but important

In Honor of Ms. Proulx's birthday, I have decided to post this:

Fag Hag is a nasty sounding term for such a close relationship....so, I've decided that my friend will be dubbed my "FairyGod Sister"...a.k.a. the amazing, goregous female who has my back...!

and another HAPPY BIRTHDAY to her! MUAH!

the Sartor

my dream..

...so, there is dream I had a long time ago...and it's been imprinted in my brain...and I'm hoping that describing it here will bring me some peace...because I can't seem to shake it..and its making me try and live some dream life...anyhow, onto the dream. before i begin, it is vivid, and felt real. Not like deja vu, but like I was watching it happen and there are the same time...kinda like a movie...a video of myself...but I feel all that's happening as I watch...

...so, I wake up, in this room near the beach. I can smell the ocean..and it is wonderful. I slowly rise out of the bed and realize the room is glowing...a faint silver glow, like everything in the room is made from pieces of the moon...I get up and am wearing a pair of underwear out of this silver material with the same glow...then I notice the curtains are blowing in the wind...the patio door is open...so, i see a robe that is sheer, gauze, and glowing in the same silver...and as i touch it, i feel the wind from the ocean, so i put it on...and walk onto the balcony...and look up at the fullest moon i've ever seen...but it is extremely close..and it feels like the moon is making everything thing in what i guess is my room glow. I look up and catch another chill from the wind...and feel very isolated, lonely...and then all of a sudden, a guy, someone extremely familiar hugs me from behind. As he holds me, the isolation goes away..and I just feel...warm...safe...complete...and so many other amazing emotions I can't describe...I just have this thought that he is my soulmate...then its like the "camera" of my dream pans out and he is shadow, even though everything is glowing...so, it "pans back in" and I turn to see him...but then I wake up...

and I wake up with the same feeling of contentment, but I am at a loss, because I obviously wanting to know who he is...and I haven't had the dream since high school, but I remember it as vividly as I dreamt it. I close it and can see it in my head...

...and it is more of a fantasy now than anything...and fantasies aren't really doing me any good in life...especially when they involve this mystery man, who I never get to see, so I've decided it needs to be let go of, because I feel like it is affecting how I am responding to situations in my life...and it's dumb..lol

so, i'm hoping that writing it will at least help me begin to lay my silver dream and my shadow man to rest...

the sartor

Just Like You

This Album is amazing...its so emotional...and if nothing else, has been an indication that someone else has gone through some stuff...lol. However, her lyrics are dead on with some of the things I couldn't explain within myself....and its applies a lot to this last semester of mine...Not to mention her voice is AMAZING! my favorite is Heaven Sent..one day I'll find my angel...

ok, I'm really out for today!

the Sartor

is it rediculous to post twice in a day?

o well I'm doing it..lol...I have a lot on my mind, on this gray, windy sunday...so maybe it's the weather...who knows

...but I'm just tired of being tired, like all my older friends and fam say. I want things to not be so intense right now...lol. And I know that's not fair to say really, because it is life, and also, I have been blessed with quite a lot. But I must vent my frustrations for my(and those around me's) health. 

First, let me give thanks to my friends and family and whomever else is out there who has helped me. I've gotten into the Grad School I wanted, won a Menswear award(and a check too..lol), I'm healthy, I have some great friends who help me out, and I'm about to be the first person in the family I kno to graduate from a 4 year university. So, I am successful, and happy with all of that, as I have had faith I would.

But here is where I need to get some things out. I know, that how I feel now is part of the "W Curve" It is an explanation of feelings and growth through any changes you go through in life. It is an explanation for culture shocks and things like that...College is one of those such shocks, and since I am reaching the end, it only makes sense to feel the intenseness. And because of my awesome OL training, I also know that it will get better, and that when I get to California for grad school, I'll jump into another curve...

However, knowing that doesn't help me feel any better...because I am broke, trying to make ends meet for all my supplies, and fees to graduate, and the things I want and need...like some bitch stole my Ipod, for example, and I've been going insane with out it! and it would be nice to spend money on that kind of stuff, but realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for life, because now if I have no money, I have no food. Or if something makes me sick, I need to be prepared...I can't just continue to be irresponsible with my money.

And I am tired of people who seem to love me just...stopping. Which I don't think is what they're doing...but for whatever reason, the issues that people don't have handled eat at them until they shut down...and I am one of the first things to go. And to a degree I understand eliminating things you don't understand, I've been depressed and confused and lost all at the same time to the point of extreme depression...(and yes, I talked to someone)

Its called...being forced out of the closet at 16, in High School, A.K.A. Hell, while watching your grandparents dying slowly and it eating away at your mother...

In which case, I shut down to a point as well. But I never cut the people out who were there for me...and in the past two instances, when I have been truly in love with someone...to the point of wanting to possibly be with them forever....I was shut out, because they were confused...and it hurts...

On top of the fact that I am finding out that some of my friends are not friends, but "friends" and lets be real...I'm so over this shit! If you don't really like me, don't pretend to be my friend, I have no problem letting people I don't like or want around me know it. It makes things clear...but I can't expect clarity out of everyone, can I?

The good news is that all of this, will generally be addressed when I hit the end of the curve...because when I am gone, I can work, with my degree, and make some extra money, to get my Ipod...and not starve..lol...but of course new problems will arise, but that's life..

and as far as the neglect from those I love...I will be gone, so if they really loved me, I'll find out or not..and who knows maybe friendships can arise...plus who knows, maybe I'm meant to be with some gorgeous model from the beach?! lol...who won't be confused and know that I'm the one for him...and he'll treat me right and know how to communicate to me..and...simply love me, No ifs or buts... 

and as for the fake friends? I have many of them..and if you aren't capable of just cutting them out for lack of time(when there are tons) moving makes it easy..they simply lose touch...

so, now it's a waiting game...which gives life time to get to the last top point of my curve...to the excitement of my move..and the amazing summer I'm gonna have with my amazing friends and family. My last hoo-rah as it were...

I have faith that whoever is out there watching me will help me through all of this...because things always work out...they always have...

<3

The Sartor

neglected

I have this character flaw...and it makes things hard for me sometimes. I have this HUGE problem with people ignoring me...well, friends, that is. And i am not completely unreasonable. For example, if I call my friend or something, I don't expect a response immediately. I do however expect that it shouldn't take a week for a reply of some sort, especially if it had been previously established that we are close. And I'm not just saying with some silly exclamation. I mean by events that have expressed emotions and similarities...good times and bad. 

For most of my life I've put up with it. I've been the kid to just sit back and take the "friends" I could get, because I am lonely...but that is so STUPID, and I know it...so, why do I still do it? I know logically, that people who do not necessarily communicate with me either need to learn to communicate which I don't have time or energy to teach anymore or (more than likely) don't want anything to do with me...so, why do I make an ass of myself?

Must be emotions of some sort, that's the only reason I don't generally do what makes logical sense. Because I have some strong emotional attachment to that person. It's nice, because I have a hard time feeling close to people...but it suxs that they don't feel close in return which makes me want to connect even less.

The other reason I feel I wait around is to absolutely convince myself they don't care for me. You know, what if I freaked out for no reason? I mean, yes, people have bad weeks sometimes..so, give them the benefit...but if this isn't the first "benefit" i've attended...than why am I still there...?

So, to anyone that reads this and knows me, you know I mean this when I say it. I have been through a lot of shit in my life...and I know that rejections are something people must face..and I am prepared in most cases for it. Rejection and I are close..lol...He(because you know that anything that drives me crazy generally is masculine) is both stressful and an inspiration, rejection is. But I accept that he will always be there..

However, I do not feel as tho I should have to put up with neglect. If you are a friend, you can at least say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy" or, "now is not a good time..."something to indicate that you acknowledge my attempts to communicate but must quickly dash away. 

If not, people are gonna have to lose spots in my life, and then maybe I'll get some answers...because I refuse to be unhappy in the background anymore...we'll see i guess

the sartor

On a good note tho...

Minus boys being extremely confusing and stressful, life is GOOD! I am about graduate, I was recently admitted to a graduate program in Fashion Design, at the Academy of Art University in San Francisco. I also just found out today that I am receiving the NAMSB Menswear Award..and a scholarship to go with!!!

So, I just have to stay focused, and go with the flow and i am sure that things will go well! Wish me luck..I'm a little scared, but more to come soon!

Mikey

cycles...

I'm learning about myself recently...mainly in the arena of love and relationships. I'm getting the impression that people found relationships that are similar to ones in the past. The familiar is something we naturally gravitate towards. Sometimes that's good. For example, a lot of the qualities in my best friend Jennah can be found in my friend Christina. Both are silly, sweet, amazing girls, who generally understand what I am thinking with just a look. lol so, the cycles i go thru in finding friends is a good one..

...but with men, i seem to gravitate towards one type of guy...the one that doesn't have it together emotionally. they seem very good for me in the beginning...and they have tons of potential to be lifetime commitments...but the main issue is that communication is not something that we can manage to make work...and so, things start amazing..then drag out..because there is a lot of gray area...

this is making me crazy...mainly because I have tons of moments of deja vu...and I feel like a fool, because I am reliving the same mistakes...and the simple answer would be to just stop...but I kno that internally, if I just cut them off, I don't give them the chance to make changes...and I have to give them the oppurtunity..or i'll regret it...

I'm just tired of ending up in this position..but I don't notice I'm here until its much too late...:-(