...but I'm just tired of being tired, like all my older friends and fam say. I want things to not be so intense right now...lol. And I know that's not fair to say really, because it is life, and also, I have been blessed with quite a lot. But I must vent my frustrations for my(and those around me's) health.
First, let me give thanks to my friends and family and whomever else is out there who has helped me. I've gotten into the Grad School I wanted, won a Menswear award(and a check too..lol), I'm healthy, I have some great friends who help me out, and I'm about to be the first person in the family I kno to graduate from a 4 year university. So, I am successful, and happy with all of that, as I have had faith I would.
But here is where I need to get some things out. I know, that how I feel now is part of the "W Curve" It is an explanation of feelings and growth through any changes you go through in life. It is an explanation for culture shocks and things like that...College is one of those such shocks, and since I am reaching the end, it only makes sense to feel the intenseness. And because of my awesome OL training, I also know that it will get better, and that when I get to California for grad school, I'll jump into another curve...
However, knowing that doesn't help me feel any better...because I am broke, trying to make ends meet for all my supplies, and fees to graduate, and the things I want and need...like some bitch stole my Ipod, for example, and I've been going insane with out it! and it would be nice to spend money on that kind of stuff, but realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for life, because now if I have no money, I have no food. Or if something makes me sick, I need to be prepared...I can't just continue to be irresponsible with my money.
And I am tired of people who seem to love me just...stopping. Which I don't think is what they're doing...but for whatever reason, the issues that people don't have handled eat at them until they shut down...and I am one of the first things to go. And to a degree I understand eliminating things you don't understand, I've been depressed and confused and lost all at the same time to the point of extreme depression...(and yes, I talked to someone)
Its called...being forced out of the closet at 16, in High School, A.K.A. Hell, while watching your grandparents dying slowly and it eating away at your mother...
In which case, I shut down to a point as well. But I never cut the people out who were there for me...and in the past two instances, when I have been truly in love with someone...to the point of wanting to possibly be with them forever....I was shut out, because they were confused...and it hurts...
On top of the fact that I am finding out that some of my friends are not friends, but "friends" and lets be real...I'm so over this shit! If you don't really like me, don't pretend to be my friend, I have no problem letting people I don't like or want around me know it. It makes things clear...but I can't expect clarity out of everyone, can I?
The good news is that all of this, will generally be addressed when I hit the end of the curve...because when I am gone, I can work, with my degree, and make some extra money, to get my Ipod...and not starve..lol...but of course new problems will arise, but that's life..
and as far as the neglect from those I love...I will be gone, so if they really loved me, I'll find out or not..and who knows maybe friendships can arise...plus who knows, maybe I'm meant to be with some gorgeous model from the beach?! lol...who won't be confused and know that I'm the one for him...and he'll treat me right and know how to communicate to me..and...simply love me, No ifs or buts...
and as for the fake friends? I have many of them..and if you aren't capable of just cutting them out for lack of time(when there are tons) moving makes it easy..they simply lose touch...
so, now it's a waiting game...which gives life time to get to the last top point of my curve...to the excitement of my move..and the amazing summer I'm gonna have with my amazing friends and family. My last hoo-rah as it were...
I have faith that whoever is out there watching me will help me through all of this...because things always work out...they always have...
<3
The Sartor
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